I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I think I just sharted jello shots
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
