Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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