i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
