If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
