We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
All I want is dick and wine.
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