I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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