This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
