I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
