I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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