you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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