he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
