good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
