drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
