got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
