i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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