My Higher Power is John Stamos
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
