Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
There's even glitter on my cock...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
