I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
