Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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