she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
