ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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