I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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