I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
