Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
