last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
