i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
