you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
