you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
