I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
