How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
