I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
