my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
