i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
