matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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