i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
