The maid of honor just puked.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
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