apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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