arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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