I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
