Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
My balls are so social today.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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