he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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