I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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