It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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