Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
