I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
