Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
