You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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