Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
