My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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