HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
