just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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