I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize