curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
