I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
