my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
