I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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